I have been a Driver of Large good vehicles since I was 18 and Passed my HGV Test while in the Army, this has always been a trade that I was able to find employment in, as there is a world shortage of experienced Drivers and Driving Agency's would “Always” send me work.
I have had Many jobs and have many Trades that I can turn my hand too as I am computer literate, and have excellent mechanical knowledge, I work well with groups and have taught outdoor pursuits to both youth as well as confidence building courses for adults.
If for any reason I was out of work I would return to Driving on the agency's as it was something that I knew well and was Always on offer, Work was easy for me to find however sometimes my mannerisms gave me away and also people noticed make up or nail varnish that had not been removed completely which made work uncomfortable as I was still “IN THE CLOSET”
This term means that I was still hiding my alter-ego (Vikki-Marie) and attempting to have a normal life, on occasions being closeted has caused me much embarrassment and for many years all I dreamed of was “BURSTING OUT OF THE CLOSET” Smashing open the doors and Declaring to the Whole world “This is ME”, however this did not happen for many years and caused me serious problems trying to accept the feelings that I had and the compulsion to dress in female clothing.
Inside I was fighting a daily battle with the Mirror, by this I mean we all have bad days when we look in the mirror and see that we have put on weight or that we feel bad about the way we look, but for me and many Transsexuals' this is more like “DETESTING THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR”
as it was not the image that I wanted to see, and no matter how nice I looked as a Male it did not fit with the way that I felt deep down inside as “I was FEMALE” and wanted to dress as a female, work as a female
and be loved as a female.
This never happened for me and so I hid in the bottle for many years and drank to suppress the feelings and to numb the “Hatred” that I felt for being Male (Mike), PLEASE do not get me wrong I loved my time as a male and I have many things that made me very happy and also very proud during my birth to 36 years old, He was a good man as well as not bad looking, (on occasion when I went through bad times I did put on weight and alcohol was a very close companion at these times) this all stopped when I was told to give up drinking by a close friend, this then opened up Pandora's box as all the feelings and loathing that I felt for being born male came to a head and sent me into a place that I would not ever want to go again.
I had many feelings that did not make sense and so coming to terms with them was a long and lonely road, some friends helped me along this road ( I thank them all for their patience) however others could not cope with my cross-dressing and made the choice to no longer be around me.
I lost many friends when I started to openly describe myself to them as a Transvestite as it made them feel uncomfortable and in one situation a friend of many years when I told him about this just got up and walked out of the pub and has “NEVER” spoke to me since, even though people like this were rare, I did have the misfortune of meeting quite a few with a similar idea of what being a Transvestite meant.
Just to explain a little the journey of discovery is a long and Lonely one as for many years I thought I might be Gay or even Bi-sexual, this was not so as at that time I was not attracted to the male body, but I did have time’s when the term “BI WHEN DRESSED” fitted me very well. This was all about the feelings when I dressed and went out, I enjoyed the attention that I received as well as being chatted up by men and being treated as the female that deep inside I felt that I was,
so for many years my own personal battle was to find out “WHO I WAS”, and then to come to terms with any changes that this conclusion would mean to my LIFE as Mike.
It all took many years and during this time I went from being quite large to very fit, over and over again, as my own mental state fluctuated between being able to cope - all the way too complete denial of many things that I discovered about my self, the main conclusion that I realised was that
I was “NOT A TRANSVESTITE”
this should have been a positive for me as
“I Accepted that I was Transgender”
However this conclusion is a hard one to come to terms with as it changes everything, it meant that I would one day want to Transition and that I would also have the problems that go with telling your family and friends that you are changing your Gender, Name
“AT LAST I COULD STOP LYING TO EVERYONE AND JUST BE ME”
This was not meant to be an easy choice for anyone that is contemplating this change however when I made this choice and had set in motion all the relevant details that are required by law, Change of Name — following employment laws for informing your employer, and then changing bank details and household bills to my new name.
“Vikki-Marie Gaynor” was now real and was no longer the part of me that I hid, I felt that I was ALIVE and for the first time in my entire life I was able to act, dress and be female without fear of losing my friends family etc.
Within a short time I realised that this was not so, and lost my job within 6 weeks of making the announcement to my employer as well as other incidents that I have had to endure in just 2 short years including three physical assaults' (one of these assaults' cost me two teeth and six stitches in the middle of my forehead) many verbal assaults as well as the loss of my confidence due to the NEGATIVE reaction from the press, Merseyside Police and the local community.
If you are in the position that I was in “THINK VERY CAREFULLY”, Yes the laws are in place to protect you and in theory you should be able to enter Transition in the workplace without fear of treatment that myself and many other Trans have been forced to endure due to peoples misunderstanding of this subject.
The Law says you are SAFE, I believe that the laws have been put in place but still needs to be set up so that they work to protect Trans
Please Tread with Caution !!
The price for getting this wrong really hurts both physically and Emotionally
HOWEVER I HAVE FOUND MY HAPPY PLACE, I HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO DO THE SAME !!!
My Journey to this point has been Difficult, and at times “Overwhelming”
however I am finding myself and for the first time in my LIFE
“I am REALLY Happy with WHO I AM !!!”
I Have a New Trade (Beautician, Nail Technician and Manicurist and Masseuse)
I have MANY New Friends, and I love my Reflection in the MIRROR
Do I regret MY Choice
These 2 pictures were take by Stephanie de Leng
and she has given me permission to show them
I Also have a YouTube site, all my own work,, hope you enjoy
Here Is My Beautiful Daughter Nat Nat
I love her with all my Heart